Random Acts of Patriotism (or Man Up, Canada!)

Dear American Readers:  I have troubling news.

About a month ago, our fine nation was verbally accosted by Hugh the Teacher, a Canadian 6th grade teacher who I once considered a good man and a friend.  “America’s no good at hockey,” he said.  “We’re going to throttle you in the Olympics.  You guys can barely skate.  The only reason you have good NHL teams is because so many Canadians play for you.”

#ickchat

At that moment, something stirred deep inside of me.  Call it the Ghost of Hockey Past or the Spirit of Eruzione, but I knew — I KNEW — that as a citizen of the single-greatest-hockey-playing nation in the world, I had to respond to Hugh’s unjustified lambasting.  To allow Canadians to parade around bragging about their dominance of the frozen pond without some kind of response would be nothing short of a patriotic failure, right?

So I did what any fine Southern hockey fan would do:  I challenged Hugh to a bet on this year’s Men’s and Women’s Olympic Hockey Tournaments.

Gold medals won by either nation are worth 3 points.  Silver medals won by either nation are worth 2 points and Bronze medals are worth 1 point.  Total points earned determines the winner.  Goal differential will be used in the unlikely event that Canada squeaks out a lucky tie.  Loser (read: Hugh) sings the winner’s (read: Bill) national anthem on YouTube.

Since then, Hugh and his band of BC-based thugs — Diana Williams and Chris Wejr — have been relentless in their abuse.  “Gold medal blah blah blah blah,” they say in Tweet-after-uncalled-for-Tweet.  “Blah blah Gold Medal blah blah.  Blah blah blah blah Gold Medal.”  They seem convinced — CONVINCED — that there’s NO chance they will be singing by the dawn’s early light on YouTube.

Thankfully, I’m not alone in my defense of American greatness.  Brett Clark, Brett Gruetzmacher, Philip Cummings, John Wink , Adam Garry , Patrick Larkin, Tony Sinanis, and Paul Cancellieri have joined me in defending the pride of our nation.  Should the US win in Sochi, we will hold the nefarious Canadians accountable for their treacherous defiling of our nation’s pride, ensuring that they sing God’s favorite anthem for the world to hear.  Should we lose in Sochi, we will sing the most memorable rendition of the Canadian national anthem ever heard, thereby winning anyways.

#takethat

#thinktambourines

The question that I have for you — the CHALLENGE that I issue — is a simple one:  Do YOU have what it takes to join our band of Patriot defenders?  Will YOU answer the Minuteman’s call and muster yourselves to action?  Are YOU ready to join our bet — promising to sing the Canadian national anthem on YouTube if the Canadians happen to bribe enough linesmen and officials to win another gold medal or two in Sochi?

Here’s what that commitment involves:

If the Americans win, you literally get bragging rights over every Canadian you know for FOUR years.  #totallyworthit

If the Americans lose, you have to join us in singing the Canadian national anthem on YouTube.  We’ll probably do the world’s largest We Are the World style Google Hangout.

When defending our nation’s hockey playing pride against the evil Canadian horde, you have to add #anthemsmackdown to your Tweets.

Either way, you get to watch the Olympic hockey tournament with a renewed sense of patriotism.  Break out your eagle t-shirts and swaddle yourselves in red, white and blue while eating Cheetos and screaming at the television set at 7:30 in the morning. #murica.

And either way, you get to prove to all of Canada that they AREN’T the world’s greatest hockey fans.  That was our title all along.  #yesIdid

If you are in, leave a comment in the comment section with your name, your city and state, and your Twitter handle so that we can contact you in the odd event that Canada actually wins anything of value this year.

Your brother in hockey lunacy,

Bill Ferriter

__________________________

PS:  If there’s any Canadians out there who want to sign on to this bet, you can play too.  I’m sure that the THREE — yep, only THREE — Canadians who were brave enough to sign up so far would like a little help.  Just be sure to leave a comment with your name, Twitter handle and province-thingy so we can find you when it’s your time to shine forever on YouTube!

PPS: Many apologies to the Slovenes, Swedes, Russians, Norwegians, Latvians, Swiss and Austrians who want to play, too, but the Canadians made this personal.  We want them and ONLY them.  Besides, we can’t sing in Slovakian.

PPPS:  Here are the folks currently in on the bet as best as I can tell.  If I missed you, Tweet me up.

Americans:  Brett ClarkBrett GruetzmacherPhilip CummingsJohn Wink , Adam Garry , Patrick LarkinTony SinanisPaul Cancellieri, Gerald Augnst, Thomas Murray, Jenna ShawBrianne Koletsos, Meg Helmes, William Chamberlain, Eric Sheninger, Judy Arzt, Dan Agins, Scott Friedman, Erika Daman,  Michael Maher

Canadians:  Diana WilliamsChris Wejr, Hugh the Teacher, Roman Nowak, Dean Shareski, Alec Couros, Darren Kuropatwa, Johnny Bevacqua, Cale Birk, Michelle Baldwin*, Lucy Lenko, Michelle Hiebert, Brenda Giourmetakis, Shawn Davids, Sean Wicker, Liz Davis, Gino Bondi, Tara Copeman, Ron Dorland, Neil Stephenson, @ChezVivian, Karen Lippert, Victoria Olson, Steve MacGregor, Karen LirenmanSean Oliver, Bryn Morgan Williams, Chris McInnis, Stephen Ransom, Emma GordonTom Hierck, Verena Roberts, John Evans, Gallit Zvi, Jeremy Inscho, Cathy Beach, Charlene Daub, Darcy Mullin, Derek Hatch, Tia Henriksen, Malcolm Chrystal,  Antonio Vendramin

*defector

80 comments

  1. Pingback: Random Acts of REVERSE Patriotism (Or Man Up, Americans.) | The Tempered Radical
  2. Shelagh

    This is going to be epic! With the Canadian women already with the Gold, I hope our American friends are warming up. I agree with the en français comment too! Bring it on peeps! @shelagh09

    • Bill Ferriter

      Hey Shelagh,

      I sure hope someone ELSE in the American contingent has a background in French because as beautiful as I think your anthem is, I only know one language!

      Rock on,
      Bill

  3. Liane Jagger

    Bill, Thank you for your patriotism on behalf of Canadian hockey! The women of hockey salute you. Can’t wait to hear your folks sing! Great fun! Liane

    • Bill Ferriter

      Hey Liane,

      Even though we lost, it was DEFINITELY great fun.

      Here’s to hoping my American brethren blow it up with great renditions of the Anthem. I’m excited to see what they come up with!

      Bill

      • Liane Jagger

        And now for our listening pleasure… a double dose of Oh Canada by our favourite American colleagues! You guys rock! Liane

  4. Cassandra Whelan

    @CassandraWhelan chilling north of the border joining my Canadians in the #anthemsmackdown

  5. lisa domeier  (@librarymall)

    Oh Bill Oh Bill,
    Remember when you came to Surrey and we adopted you as an official Canadian? You so disappoint me with this campaign of #webetterohyah
    I have to go with Canada on this one because my other adopted nation Mexico #vivalaraza does not have a hockey team
    so #goCanuckiesgo
    If you guys win, ISTE is going to be unbearable this year. I have to email the Canadian boys and girls…gotta go.
    lisa domeier de suarez
    @librarymall
    ps. #canuckpower!

    • Bill Ferriter

      Hey Tia,

      You know, I’m going to be honest here: I really DO hope you go all the way! You guys deserve it. I’m just thankful that y’all shared your game with the rest of us.

      Don’t tell #anthemsmackdown nation that I said that!

      Hope you’re well,
      Bill

  6. darcymullin

    Bill, while I have been doing a little #smacktalk on twitter I haven’t officially signed up. Looking forward to Canada playing someone who will actually play and not bottle up the neutral zone. I guess that happens when you are the most talented hockey nation on earth.

    @darcymullin

    #canadaishockey

    • Bill Ferriter

      Hey Darcy,

      Whatever happens in the tournament, I think we can both agree that the US Canada games will be epic.

      I really enjoy the Olympic tourney — more entertaining than most any other hockey on earth.

      Rock right on,
      Bill

  7. Cathy Beach (@beachcat11)

    Ah Bill. You really do like to dig yourself in deep, eh? Can’t wait to hear your version of our #BestInTheWorld Amazing Anthem!!! You keep those fingers and toes crossed, while we go have a quick game of hockey out on the back pond. (-; We’ll still love ya when you’re done though! Nanuck of the North

    • Bill Ferriter

      Whaddya’ mean, Cathy? I don’t see this as “digging myself in deep.” I see this as stating the obvious: American hockey AND American hockey fans are the best in the world!

      I will admit, however, that all y’all are destroying us in the bet! Seems as if I might have stirred up a bit of a Canadian Hornet’s nest.

      (Do you guys have hornets?)

      #evilgrin
      Bill

    • Bill Ferriter

      You’re in, Gallit!

      And I feel so sorry to make you sing with the rest of them. I love the ol’ #sd36learn nation. If y’all lose, though, I WILL make you sing!

      ; )
      Bill

  8. John Evans

    Bill, count me in as yet another staunch and obviously correct believer in the Canadian way, of our hockey supremacy, of the merits of Canadian bacon (c’mon you know you Americans won’t eat any other kind of bacon)!! @joevans Manitoba , Canada Where the temperatures might be in the -50s but we still think about going outside wearing shorts!

    • Bill Ferriter

      Glad to have you on our team, Erika!

      Here’s to hoping we pull this off….it’ll be awesome hearing all these Canucks belting out the Stars and Stripes!

      Bill

  9. Emma Gordon

    Oh, I’m in. I may be across the world (and in the Sochi time zone – score!), but I am still cheering for my home and native land.

    #WeAreWinter
    @EmmainDubai

    • Bill Ferriter

      Totally not fair that you get to actually watch the games when they happen, Emma!

      We’re stuck watching them at 7:30 in the morning here — and that’s hard when you’re teaching! I’m DVRing everything and trying to avoid the news.

      Rock on,
      Bill

  10. Hugh McDonald

    Your numbers seem down. Would you do something about that? Need more Americans singing O’Canada. My count is 31-19 for Canada. Thank you for the back up my fellow Canadians!

    @hughtheteacher from Surrey, BC, Canada.

  11. JudyArzt (@JudyArzt)

    Willing to join in. Many of the people I follow on Twitter are Canadians. If we Americans need to do any singing, sign me up as a “mouther,” the destination I held in every Christmas sing.

  12. Stephen Ransom

    I so relish hearing the middle stanza sung in french with a yankee accent. No need to dress up in a Mountie uniform, though. @ransomtech #canadaownshockey Here’s the french version so you can start brushing up. Please, don’t throw a “y’all” into it anywhere. Thx.

  13. K. Lirenman

    Bill, I must join my fellow Canadians on this one. The only thing American about me is my birthday which is the 4th of July. So kind of you folk to celebrate it with such style. Now that I work in a duel track school would you like the French version of O’Canada in phonetic type? You wouldn’t want to just sing the English version of our anthem now would you? #proudcanadian

  14. olsonv

    Oh, I’m in, all right.
    Victoria Olson – Langley, BC, CANADA

    Also, higher stakes if the Canadian anthem is sung en francais. #JustSayin

  15. Michelle Baldwin (@michellek107)

    You asked me to sign on as support for the US anthem, but you should know a) I support Team Canada, and b) several of our Canadian friends have already made me an honorary Canadian. So… I guess I have to sing the SSB if Canada loses then?

  16. Shawn

    I can appreciate all the USA fans jumping on board to help you out with you anthem. The more the merrier when canada come home with two more gold medals. I’m more than happy to join Team Canada, in this bet. I’m not one to shy away from a sure thing.