Dear American Readers: I have troubling news.
About a month ago, our fine nation was verbally accosted by Hugh the Teacher, a Canadian 6th grade teacher who I once considered a good man and a friend. “America’s no good at hockey,” he said. “We’re going to throttle you in the Olympics. You guys can barely skate. The only reason you have good NHL teams is because so many Canadians play for you.”
At that moment, something stirred deep inside of me. Call it the Ghost of Hockey Past or the Spirit of Eruzione, but I knew — I KNEW — that as a citizen of the single-greatest-hockey-playing nation in the world, I had to respond to Hugh’s unjustified lambasting. To allow Canadians to parade around bragging about their dominance of the frozen pond without some kind of response would be nothing short of a patriotic failure, right?
So I did what any fine Southern hockey fan would do: I challenged Hugh to a bet on this year’s Men’s and Women’s Olympic Hockey Tournaments.
Gold medals won by either nation are worth 3 points. Silver medals won by either nation are worth 2 points and Bronze medals are worth 1 point. Total points earned determines the winner. Goal differential will be used in the unlikely event that Canada squeaks out a lucky tie. Loser (read: Hugh) sings the winner’s (read: Bill) national anthem on YouTube.
Since then, Hugh and his band of BC-based thugs — Diana Williams and Chris Wejr — have been relentless in their abuse. “Gold medal blah blah blah blah,” they say in Tweet-after-uncalled-for-Tweet. “Blah blah Gold Medal blah blah. Blah blah blah blah Gold Medal.” They seem convinced — CONVINCED — that there’s NO chance they will be singing by the dawn’s early light on YouTube.
Thankfully, I’m not alone in my defense of American greatness. Brett Clark, Brett Gruetzmacher, Philip Cummings, John Wink , Adam Garry , Patrick Larkin, Tony Sinanis, and Paul Cancellieri have joined me in defending the pride of our nation. Should the US win in Sochi, we will hold the nefarious Canadians accountable for their treacherous defiling of our nation’s pride, ensuring that they sing God’s favorite anthem for the world to hear. Should we lose in Sochi, we will sing the most memorable rendition of the Canadian national anthem ever heard, thereby winning anyways.
The question that I have for you — the CHALLENGE that I issue — is a simple one: Do YOU have what it takes to join our band of Patriot defenders? Will YOU answer the Minuteman’s call and muster yourselves to action? Are YOU ready to join our bet — promising to sing the Canadian national anthem on YouTube if the Canadians happen to bribe enough linesmen and officials to win another gold medal or two in Sochi?
Here’s what that commitment involves:
If the Americans win, you literally get bragging rights over every Canadian you know for FOUR years. #totallyworthit
If the Americans lose, you have to join us in singing the Canadian national anthem on YouTube. We’ll probably do the world’s largest We Are the World style Google Hangout.
When defending our nation’s hockey playing pride against the evil Canadian horde, you have to add #anthemsmackdown to your Tweets.
Either way, you get to watch the Olympic hockey tournament with a renewed sense of patriotism. Break out your eagle t-shirts and swaddle yourselves in red, white and blue while eating Cheetos and screaming at the television set at 7:30 in the morning. #murica.
And either way, you get to prove to all of Canada that they AREN’T the world’s greatest hockey fans. That was our title all along. #yesIdid
If you are in, leave a comment in the comment section with your name, your city and state, and your Twitter handle so that we can contact you in the odd event that Canada actually wins anything of value this year.
Your brother in hockey lunacy,
PS: If there’s any Canadians out there who want to sign on to this bet, you can play too. I’m sure that the THREE — yep, only THREE — Canadians who were brave enough to sign up so far would like a little help. Just be sure to leave a comment with your name, Twitter handle and province-thingy so we can find you when it’s your time to shine forever on YouTube!
PPS: Many apologies to the Slovenes, Swedes, Russians, Norwegians, Latvians, Swiss and Austrians who want to play, too, but the Canadians made this personal. We want them and ONLY them. Besides, we can’t sing in Slovakian.
PPPS: Here are the folks currently in on the bet as best as I can tell. If I missed you, Tweet me up.
Americans: Brett Clark, Brett Gruetzmacher, Philip Cummings, John Wink , Adam Garry , Patrick Larkin, Tony Sinanis, Paul Cancellieri, Gerald Augnst, Thomas Murray, Jenna Shaw, Brianne Koletsos, Meg Helmes, William Chamberlain, Eric Sheninger, Judy Arzt, Dan Agins, Scott Friedman, Erika Daman, Michael Maher
Canadians: Diana Williams, Chris Wejr, Hugh the Teacher, Roman Nowak, Dean Shareski, Alec Couros, Darren Kuropatwa, Johnny Bevacqua, Cale Birk, Michelle Baldwin*, Lucy Lenko, Michelle Hiebert, Brenda Giourmetakis, Shawn Davids, Sean Wicker, Liz Davis, Gino Bondi, Tara Copeman, Ron Dorland, Neil Stephenson, @ChezVivian, Karen Lippert, Victoria Olson, Steve MacGregor, Karen Lirenman, Sean Oliver, Bryn Morgan Williams, Chris McInnis, Stephen Ransom, Emma Gordon, Tom Hierck, Verena Roberts, John Evans, Gallit Zvi, Jeremy Inscho, Cathy Beach, Charlene Daub, Darcy Mullin, Derek Hatch, Tia Henriksen, Malcolm Chrystal, Antonio Vendramin